And how I am changing it for good
It’s 5:50am when my alarm goes off. It startles me; reminding me once again to finally try and figure out how to get the volume down. I roll over, creatively coming up with all sorts of reasons why I deserve to sleep in this morning. And then it comes flooding back…
Images of the ice cream I decided to eat last night right before going to bed. The slice of bread with almond butter I thought was an acceptable choice at 9pm. Or, if it was a particularly bad night, the full pizza I consumed despite my body telling me that I was full after the 4th slice.
It’s like a steamroller that first hits my throat, before traveling down into the pit of my stomach. Why?! Why did I do this AGAIN? How have I still not learnt?
That’s not where it ends either. Once the steamroller has brought the full extent of it’s might on my being, the decades-old narratives begin.
“You are useless.”
“What is wrong with you?”
“You are disgusting.”
That is how so many of my days begin. Self-loathing, guilt, disappointment, anger, and hopelessness. In fact, the trajectory of my entire day is defined by what I ate the day/night before and how much self-loathing I feel I deserve.
I look at myself in the mirror, dreading the part where I have to glimpse at my naked body and face the reality of my choices.
More disgust. More disappointment. More sadness.
From this dark place, it is very hard to recover. But I have a narrative for the recovery process as well.
“Ok, Tara, you have finally learnt your lesson. You cannot do this again. Today is the day that you turn it all around. No more.”
I lay out the set of rules that I am now going to religiously follow — absolutely no exceptions this time.
1. No more sugary snacks
2. No more eating after 7pm
3. Only whole foods, plant-based meals allowed
4. No added fats
These are not new to me. I’ve mentally written out the list more times than I can count and I have failed at them 100% of the time.
You probably wouldn’t think that I have this kind of relationship with food. After all I am not overweight and never really have been. I’m also a marathon running, yoga-doing, meditating vegan. To an outsider, I am one of those annoying people who has complete control over my body image, how much I eat, and my exercise routine.
In reality, this story has been a part of my life for well over 20 years. What I should or should not be eating is a focus that undercuts so much of my day, like a vampire waiting to suck the joy out of any moment it can.
As a life coach, I am not in the business of trying to understand where this thought pattern comes from or why I struggle with food and my relationship with my body so much. I am in the business of asking, “ok, this is not working, so what do I want instead?”.
Shame motivation does not work
In my experience, change motivated by shame does not work. If you want to make lasting changes or achieve a goal, your motivation has to come from a place of love.
How do you do that when your brain is so quick to judge?
It is about changing your mindset.
I have been willingly jumping in the boat and allowing the turbulent river of guilt, shame, and self-deprecation toss me about for decades. I’ve made it so easy for these neural pathways to be activated because I keep going back to the same path. It’s like walking a trodden out trail day after day until that trail is so worn in that it’s all you can see.
Until you make yourself stop, even if just for a moment, to look around and see what you have been missing; another path that is so much more beautiful, scenic, and inspiring than the one you have blindly been committing to.
Let’s experiment for a second.
Think of a criticism you spew on yourself far too often. For example, “I am useless”. Now ask yourself if there is ANY example of this not being true? I bet you can think of 10. “I led a live morning meditation at 6:15am. I baked my son cookies for his class. I’m sitting and writing this article.” All 3 of these point to my useFULness, rather than my uselessness.
From a purely rational, logical point of view, the very fact that there is evidence to the contrary proves that there is another true option available. There is a choice.
It’s all about changing your mindset
Now I’m not going to lie to you and say that by just doing this exercise every now and then you will rid yourself of the destructive, harmful thoughts that you undeservedly put on your being.
We have been going down these trails (neural pathways) for so long that they have become very powerful habitual thought patterns and it will take time to break them.
But, just as a tributary will find its own, better serving, way to the ocean, so you too will create a new neural pathway that better serves your mental health and happiness.
So, how do you do it?
Step 1: Become aware of when you are blazing down the habitual, and harmful, narrative
Simply becoming aware of when you start slipping into your dominant mindset is the first big and significant step. Up until now, you may have felt the hurt that comes from the criticisms, but never really stopped to say “ok, I’m doing it again. There you are neural pathway. I see you.” And let me tell you that stepping back and talking to your mindset as an outsider is hugely helpful in softening the experience.
Step 2: Challenge yourself to find at least one possible alternative response to your criticism
I can guarantee that there are far more than just 1 possible way of viewing the hurtful place you are in, but I also understand that, in the heat and pain of the moment, 1 may be all you can manage. So, aim for 1, but keep the door open for many.
Step 3: Repeat the alternative phrases to yourself
The whole process could go something like this:
“Hello disgust and disappointment. I see you and I feel you. How else could I view myself right now? Someone told me yesterday that I am beautiful. I am beautiful. I am beautiful. My can feel that my brain wants to drag me down the easiest trail, but I know there is a more scenic option. I am beautiful.”
Step 4: Give yourself some grace
This takes time and it may not feel natural or authentic in the beginning. In fact, you may cringe at the words, feeling as though you are literally forcing yourself to say them. That is normal. You are retraining your brain and asking your heart to respond at the same time. Trust me when I say that it will get more genuine and all you have to do is repeat this process over and over and over again.
In the beginning you may forget to do this half the time. But each time you remember will build onto the time before and, in time, your alternative thought pattern will become your dominant one.
The point?
I still want to have a healthy, lean, strong body that is fueled by the very best nutrients I can give myself. The goal has not changed.
What I do not want is to live in this mental world of self-harm, destructive thought, and undeserved cruelty. This is what needs to change first before any other lasting health changes can set in.
Remember what I said earlier: change never comes when it is motivated by shame and guilt. Change happens when you are motivated by love. So, the very first step is to develop authentic self-love and changing your mindset is how you do that.
Let me help you
If you are struggling to reach your physical goals, let me help you. Click the image below and let’s have a talk. I am here for you.
