The day the balloon burst

Yesterday was not a good day. The balloon burst.

I’ve been telling my kids that my head is like a big balloon – it gets filled with air and, if it doesn’t get a release, it will burst.

The meaning behind this metaphor might seem obvious, but let me explain.

To say I like quiet is definitely an understatement. It’s more than that, I’ve come to realize. I am enormously triggered by noise stimulation.

Now that I think about it, this is not a new thing. Back in my younger days, I was always very party-averse. There was something I just found very uncomfortable about being in an environment that was loud and busy. I always left those situations feeling incredibly depleted, anxious, and irritable.

How it manifests today is more low-key and simple.

My life has moved far past the teenage party days, and ironically is noisier than ever. With a 4 and 2.5 year old running around, my life is insanely busy and loud. It’s a safe assumption to make that my brain does not do well with it.

With the constant talking over each other, complaining, fighting, shouting (whether in fun or anger), I start to get increasingly filled with turbulence. My inner world moves from being a calm, placid, peaceful ocean, to being something after a howling south easter has rocked it in every direction you can imagine. That’s how I feel inside.

It is very very hard. I am so uncomfortable, constantly stressed, angry, and plagued by the need for self-control.

Everything in my body screams out in desperation to get away from the source of the noise. But I’m a mom, I can’t get away. And so, I burst.

For some or other reason, the last couple weeks have been particularly difficult. I’ve found myself waking up with an already full balloon, meaning that every bit of noise that is added just fuels the already crowded space more. I am on the brink of bursting all the time.

This is not a healthy place to be. It is harmful for both one’s mental and physical health. Something has to be done, and I have come up with 2:

1. Acceptance:

I need to accept that this is just how my life is right now; this is the season I am in. Instead of trying to fight it, willing it to become something different, I need to just exhale and tell myself “this is how it is”. To be clear, this is not me giving up and letting my kids take over. This is me letting go of my incredibly tight and unhealthy grip on my situation and just allowing it to be. It is me dropping my end of the rope. What this will do is give me an element of relief; that I do not have to force my life to be quiet and still right now. That’s not my reality. Instead, accept that life is noisy and busy, I cannot change that, but I can prioritize times in my day where quiet and stillness is possible. Which brings me to…

2. Prioritize

Finding moments of stillness and quiet are absolutely essential. I cannot change the nature of my noise reality, but I can find and control other moments in my day where quiet is absolutely possible and revel in them. For me this means getting up at the crack of dawn and getting in some pause before the world has stirred. It also means taking time each day for outdoor, kid-free workouts/runs/walks.

All this kind of reminds me of the AA poem:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I have the wisdom that I CANNOT change the nature of having 2 small children at home and all that that brings. I also have the wisdom to know that I CAN change certain moments in my day. Now to bring in the serenity and courage. That’s where the work is needed.

Thank you for reading.

With joy, and acceptance,

Tara