It was picture day at my kids’ school yesterday. It was also my birthday, which has no real relevance except for the fact that I “got the morning off”. In other words, while my husband was getting the small humans dressed in their best, I was sipping tea in bed and overhearing the discussions going on about “looking nice for your photos”.
Our kids are 3 and 4.5. The three year old’s level of caring over what he wears varies day to day, but for the most part, if he is successfully distracted, we can successfully choose his outfits without too much protest.
Maya, our 4.5 year old, is a different story. She is incredibly willful and bold in the expression of her opinions and thoughts, which naturally carries over into her choice of wardrobe. As such, the somewhat irrational significance of picture day clearly did not influence her choice on this day either.
As I lay in bed, I could hear Derek and Maya having an increasingly intense conversation around the theme of “maybe this not that”. After a few minutes, Derek evidently gave up and left the room, after which Maya stormed into my previously peaceful room to exclaim “daddy won’t let me wear my rainbow dress!”
Trying to remember the importance of the big picture, I allowed her to make her own choice and wear the rainbow dress, but perhaps without the jeans underneath? In the end we made it work, pairing the cute, slightly weathered dress with a denim jacket, super funky silver shoes, and the most adorable pigtails, for which she could choose the bows.
Ok, she won this one and that is ok. But don’t stop reading…the good stuff is coming.
Right before leaving for school, Maya decided to draw some tattoos all over her hands. Again, not a big deal, but on picture day perhaps less than ideal. She got out her markers and decorated her skin with an array of colors and shapes. In her mind, this body art greatly elevated her outfit. For us, she’s the kid with drawings all over her on picture day. What will the teachers and other parents think?!
By this stage I had had time to reflect on the concept of the big picture and it all became beautifully clear. Why does it matter that Maya will have a weathered dress and abstract body art for her school pictures? Who decides what the appropriate standard is? In reality, what consequences will there really be? And, if we deny her the opportunity to authentically express herself, what effect will that have?
It becomes a choice between forcing a crying, 4.5 year old human into the “perfect” outfit that stands up against a completely arbitrary set of standards and expectations, or allowing her to be the happy, confident, authentic, and validated being that deep down we truly want her to be.
This got me thinking about the subtle messaging we all get as we move through our lives. Whether it was said out loud or simply implied in some way, we were all told at some point, probably many times over, that one way of behaving and showing up in the world is better than another.
As a young child, if you get told, whether directly or subtly, that expressing who you are in a certain way is wrong, what message is that communicating to you? And, furthermore, what behaviors do you then adopt in order to self-correct?
If we choose to tell Maya that how she shows up in the world is wrong, incorrect, strange, not the done thing etc, what messaging could she be hearing?
- There is something wrong with me
- I can’t trust myself
- I need to rely on others
- I am not good enough
- I am not able to receive love as I am
- and so on
On the other hand, if we choose to let Maya make a choice as to how she expresses herself, we are telling her:
- You are capable of making up your own mind
- You are strong and smart
- Your thoughts and opinions matter
- Your presence in the world matters
- You are enough
- You are always worthy of our love
- and so on
What messaging do you think you got as a child with regards to how you are able to express your true self? And, as a result, what behaviors did you develop to cope with that messaging?
The sad fact is that so many of us have no clue about who we really are or what we really want as adults because our entire lives have been wrapped up in the “should’s” and “should not’s”. It takes considerable effort and work to tease out the messaging and see what is left underneath.
A good sign that this is work that is necessary for you to do is if you are doing all the things and life is, from an outsiders perspective, going well, but you are still feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. If that is you, chances are you need to do the work.
I’m here as you coach and your friend, so let’s talk and find your true self and the joy connected to that.
With joy,
Tara
